God

I watched a movie Father Stu. You can google it or watch it on Netflix if interested because I can't find words to describe it at the moment. I think every person can find different things from there, or not at all.

What I found from there was that there was a person who found God through personal experience. Without the aid of religion or anything. I don't believe in religions but I know God. I just don't name it like that. I call it Universe.

How I know God? Through a long line of experiences. He called his suffering a gift in the movie. When I look back I see the suffering as resistance from me. Whole hearted restistanse. As hard as I could literally. Not consciously though, but whole heartedly. What was I resisting? My own expansion and all the possibilities in the world. I was so fixed in one way and I had absolutely no interest in seeing any other. Like zero interest. I behaved accordingly.

It has been a really long work by Universe with me. Like really long. I am not sure why it didn't give up like 4 years ago. It's been 8 years.

Maybe I should say that uuu I am so blessed, but still some hells I don't wish on anyone. There's gotta a be a better way. But probably it was the best for me. If I insist on being so strong and whatever. It's quite remarkable the strength it really took to be so bullheaded. But I took it as something obvious. You could all go to hell if I cared, I didn't want this life and I was not going to put up with it. It just wasn't acceptable for me and no way in hell I was going to live it. So I caused a lot of suffering for others. It wasn't my intention but I put my own 'happiness' first this time, if you can call laying in front of the train happiness.

Someone said later that I could have done this and that while I did the mentioned decisions. Well, where was your so smart ass then when it really mattered? Only person who was really there for me then, was my mother and when she left everything fell apart. But it was necessary. I had to fall as deep as I could. Boy it was deep.

So, thanks for not being there for me, everybody. Lol. But really.

When I had fallen as deep as I could, my uncle showed up. Really surprisingly for me. I felt like wow, Universe has not 'forsaken' me. It was really interesting experience. Between walking the ails of the looney bin. (Using the words "Psychiatric hospital" feels just nonsense. It's a bloody looney bin. Really fun. Recommend. I learned poker there. Very useful later. Yes, I am talking to you, who could never beat me at poker :D.)

Anyway. Uncle, these were very interesting conversations. I was like, wow, the Universe never stops bothering me. Lol.

I drew deserts while I was in looney bin. And sky above it. So beautiful. So empty. So peaceful. I actually could see the beauty of my situation.

And that is why I know God. Universe. Source...whatever.

When I visited Tarmo Urb(cool guy), I told him that, well I survived a little train hit in the head(yes that's why I am so crazy) then he laughed and asked what happened to the train? Another person asked wether I thought about the train driver. Well. The answer I should have told was that in these situations you don't have the luxury to think about anybody else. You just don't. And that's how it goes. Of course I don't intend to hurt everybody around me, but... you just don't care and that's it. That's how deep I fell.

I never intended to swim out of there, really, but .... like I said. Universe. Literally dragging me, honestly. Lol.

Where am I now? I don't know. Hah. I haven't hit the destination yet. But I am curious. Super curious.