Intuition

It started with the question: "Which is the best way to go to the store?" And from then on countless experiments. Actually it started earlier than that, with ambiguous interest and fascination. A sentence that especially peaked my interest was something along the lines: "Would you follow your heart(ie. intuition) to the pain and destruction?" I don't know who said the line, I thought Paulo

Coelho, but I can't find the reference, so maybe not. Anyway, it would have to be

really important if your intuition lead you to the pain and destruction and it would require extra bravery and it would be a hell of a challenge. I got in touch with my intuition after I had lost all faith in it. Not in the existence per se but faith in my own intuition. I thought that things like that just didn't work for me. Maybe and most probably for others but not me. I lost my faith in it after my first psychosis, but to be honest, looking back, I didn't have much connection to my intuition before the psychosis, to begin with. Had I ever really believed in intuition before 'losing faith' in it or had I just played with exciting ideas but never really had stepped my toe into the water? In other words, maybe I didn't 'lose faith' but discovered I hadn't had any.

"Which is the best way to go to the store?" was the beginning of looking for contact with the feeling of my intuition after I had recovered enough of my trauma of psychosis. Trauma that intuition didn't work for me and had led me to utter and complete destruction. I had no notion what so ever that it could have been to my advantage... in the long... super long run. I didn't get to this realisation, because I believed the intuition I had followed, during, what we call psychosis, had been delusional aka not real.

"Would you follow your heart(ie. intuition) to the pain and destruction?" Well that sentence I had totally forgotten, but in all fairness, that's exactly what I got. Be careful what you wish for? This sentence feels for me always like a dare and makes wish even harder, so no, I don't regret wishing anything, though yes, it was very very hard.

I think following intuition can be learned, but not taught because when somebody teaches you 'how to follow intuition' then in my experience they are going to teach you a "language". For example with colours. I as a teacher tell you that you say "yes" many times and see what colour comes to mind and same with "no" and "maybe". So then you will have three colours representing the voice of your intuition. Now on you ask a question or whatever the situation is and for the answer you rely on the colours coming to your mind. It might be necessary to try these kind of systems to get closer to the sense of what is your own feeling by getting to know what isn't. Because nobody can tell you what is the voice of your intuition. Everyone's journey to their intuition is unique. If your way is not unique it's probably in the very very beginning or it isn't Your way. So what got me closer to my intuition, among atoher things, was not a "language" by someone, but Human Design Strategy. I am a Generator by Human Design system and their Strategy is to respond to things. Theory says that the Sacral centre near the navel either gives you life force energy for it, "yes" or not "no" . The whole theory is not important actually, the important part is that it led me to listen to the cues of my body for answers. Body is really important, but my intuition talks to me also through visions, songs/sentences/words in my head, just "knowing".

Following intuition is constant growth. Maybe slow, maybe fast but growth. It is exciting, interesting, opens your mind, brings in new perspectives.

The experiences may range from absolutely terrible to absolutely wonderful and

everything in between. Following intuition is taking a risk. Because often you can see only one step ahead. It is surrendering control over the situation and moving the focus to experiencing and letting this lead you on. It is very exciting process. It took me years to get it and it's absolutely worth it.

Some people think that when you follow intuition you must be only touchy-feely- wishy-washy kinda irrational. When in reality it works best in conjunction with rational thinking. When I added rational approach to situations, experience became deeper. Rational thinking and intuition are not mutually inclusive, they work best together.

I, at the moment, can't say that I have achieved outwardly some great things and take myself as an outstanding example of where following intuition can take you. I don't have a job or boyfriend or finished higher education or skills or perfect weight... yet. (By the time I am actually sharing this text I am actually developing some skill, my body is in quite good shape etc.) But I am satisfied with my life, I am happy, I have made a huge development and I am still growing, my life is interesting, I trust that I will be more than okay. I am in a good place and I am proud of myself for getting here. I am in a better place than many people will ever be despite their outsides.

I don't know where following my intuition will take me. Even though I have a lot of affirming experience with it, I still consider it a risk at times, following it. Maybe it's wrong? Maybe it's not really going to lead anywhere? Maybe I misunderstood? No, it can't be possible for me? Maybe I hurt myself somehow by following it? etc. So even though I have affirming experiences nearly daily I still find myself sometimes doubting. But I still follow through because I want to see what happens if I do and it is interesting. So far the direction of movement has been upward and I intend to continue.